Two Year Anxiversary – Riding the Unplanned Life Diversion

Like what I did there??!

So I’m sitting in the office pretending to work, whilst counting down the minutes before I can get the hell outta here and get on a train home to the Devonshire countryside where my parents live! Woooooop!

And I thought, in the reflective way we all do around Christmas time, how am I doing in life and general health, and how am I compared to my Life Diversion two years ago? (This is what I’m now calling it instead of ‘mental breakdown’, as of 10 seconds ago…). I think Life Diversion is quite fitting because I think when your body steps in and tells you to Stop, Stop and Stop again, you have no choice but to take a different direction. It’s not even a choice, the choice is taken out of your hands.

diversion

Up until that point, I was living a life, prioritising things that I thought mattered (they didn’t), ensuring I ticked the social boxes, dating men with the expectation of eventually settling and getting married, doing well in a career in order to achieve a certain status / pay check ?, saving a weird thing we call money so I could buy stuff, and acting in a way we are taught is socially acceptable. I was so buried in these concepts I had not looked up to see what it was doing to my mental health, my happiness and my wellbeing. Nature, the natural spin of the earth, the truth of what is, whatever you would like to call it, will never let you get too carried away without alerting you to the way you are hurting yourself. Whether it be immense physical pain, mental pain, suffering in some way, you are being notified of what is hurting you, the wrong direction you are taking, the pressures you are building for yourself that do not exist anywhere but in your mind.

capitol-reef-scenic-drive

Now I am on a new route, a total road diversion. I know nothing about this route, it scares me, I don’t know where it’s heading and I don’t recognise the scenery.

But all I know is that it’s the right one. That’s all I know, because my gut tells me. And my God, I had to do a lot of reading, seeking advice and sharing with others to learn and understand. But slowly it’s become very clear to me that the old controlling route hurt, and was making me hurt more the further along it I went, but this new route feels right on a health and happiness level. Scary but right.

I have no idea what my future holds anymore, I think I’ve almost completely stopped caring, and do you know what, it changes nothing. I just feel healthier. I genuinely don’t care if I meet a guy to settle with, if my career moves up (I have enough money for everything I need), if I recover from anxiety completely, none of it matters, I have everything I need in life and more. If I feel like shit today or tomorrow, or even over Christmas, who cares? I’m here and alive. I always thought I’d get to a point where everything would come right for me, that everything I wanted would come to fruition, that my anxiety would go, that I’d put loads of weight back on and that external things would come to me. But that was never the way. I have none of what I thought I wanted, but I realised I don’t need any of it to be happy. In fact I’m happier than I was before the Life Diversion.

Happy Driving All…

P.S Don’t put pressure on Christmas time. It doesn’t have to be good. It’s just a day.

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2 Responses to Two Year Anxiversary – Riding the Unplanned Life Diversion

  1. Ashley says:

    Hey girl, so I was/have been doing soooooooo good, although I’ve noticed a pattern to my anxiety/depression is around my menstrual cycle, what would be your advice on this? I feel so great for weeks at a time and wonder why I even felt bad before and that if I should ever feel down again I’d be able to handle it like a champ, lol and right around my cycle I start to feel so low and anxious and all those good days seem to be a blur and I then start to doubt if I even felt better in the first place. It discourages me to think that I will get this every month because of my cycle, what would be your approach?

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    • Hey Ashley! So weird you say that as that is something I noticed myself a few months ago. I started to notice that around that time of the month I was feeling reeeeally black and anxious and just as you say, doubting everything completely. To be honest it helped a bit to know that as it made me realise it was my body’s natural process and not to believe in it all quite so much. I mean, all women get ratty around that time, we know this 😉 so it’s just going to affect us particularly badly when it comes to anxiety. I just treat it the same as the other attacks and keep in mind that it passes and probably it will take a couple days around that time. Just try to look after myself, eat nice food, a bit of exercise, early nights, anything to help me feel loved (by me!) and it helps a bit. Just take the pressure off and allow yourself to feel a bit shit. We women have to handle a lot you know 😉 amazing that you have been doing good at other times, those times start to increase and slowly slowly you’ll have more good than bad. Xxx

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