Cos’ you’re just a boy…and you don’t understand…that I’m mentally unstable…

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Yes! A boy! Men. Relationships. Dating situations. What a HEAD F*CK?! I mean, could there be more uncertainty packed into one single situation?! Not only is the entire situation based on emotions, unless you’re part of some kind of arranged marriage (would that be easier?!) there is the uncertainty around how the other person feels, which they intentionally do not reveal straightaway either due to an effort to ‘seem cool’ or because they are not yet sure. (PLEASE tell me exactly what you are thinking right this second…*knife to throat*).

Then there’s that war zone you dare to enter, that highly charged space of ‘How do I feel?’

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HOW DO I FEEL?! Are you kidding me??! How long have you got?

That space that only a guy or girl you like has the ability to bring to the surface in milliseconds.

We all have the remnants of a war zone within us, but for most we keep it delicately tucked away in our day-to-day life. It’s a careful balance but we perfect it well, cover it up with crap that lacks substance; throw some flowers at it, pretty things, attention, alcohol, social media, some new clothes, an ego boost. A hint of the war zone is revealed from time to time, when we are vulnerable, perhaps low on external boosts, you’ll get a bit of smoke filtering through, or you’ll trip and fall into a trench (Oh shit, get me out…). But mostly, we manage to cover the scene over with with our own form of absolutely massive tarpaulin made of tacky cheap material and meaningless, quick-fix, rubbish.

Then bam, a guy or girl is on the scene, a real human being you connect with and you like, and there it is. Tarpaulin whipped away, disintegrated into the sky (meaningless things are not durable). Now it’s just you and your immense expanse of scary eery sireny (yes, I’m making that a word) space where bombs are flying around, exploding off other explosive emotions, fears and leftover decaying debris, issues buried deep for years, pieces of old metal littered about in the post-battle scene with ‘Remember what happened in your last relationship…?’ etched across them. Your own feelings. Feelings you’ve just spent the last two years making light of in this weird minefield of thoughts and emotions we call Anxiety. So something that has sort of been loosening its hold on you the last few years has now obnoxiously taken centre stage as the most important factor in this whole decision making process. How do I FEEL about this man / woman? How do I feel?! All my emotions poke their heads up out of the mud:

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“Boys, it’s our time. Go wild. Nope, don’t worry about order, just all charge at once”.

They all whoop in agreement as they join the stampede, shoving Reason and Logic to the ground as they go. Emotions, non tangible things, nothing you can pin down or grasp hold of. Excitement flies by from behind you sending a fizz through your blood, then a fear explosion goes off all around you and you leap in the air. Attraction strides by, the war zone dims in lighting (oooh, I like…). And just like that, it’s gone. Confusion (do I fancy him?). Another crash of fear and you’re being pelted with bullets (What if he doesn’t fancy me?!!!) Take cover!!!!

Which part is actually to do with him? What do I keep to myself and what do I tell him? Which part is me?! Which part is just my Anxiety?! What’s going to happen if I let all this confusion of emotion gush out (in his direction, most likely). He’ll either be washed away by the tidal wave, never to return. Or he’ll stick around the war zone, and probably develop shell shock, nervously uncertain of when the next disaster is to hit. Add to that any issues HE might have which could potentially conjure an entire new war zone to combine with mine, then you have war zone + war zone = complete and utter population wipeout?!

OK, so I went on a date…

He’s nice! 

 

 

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This entry was posted in Acceptance, Anxiety, Anxiety disorders, At Last a Life, Attraction, Breakdown, Confidence, Dating, Depression, Develop, Dignity, Emotions, GAD, Growth, Journey, Learn, Mental health, Panic attacks, Positivity, Strength, Uncategorized, What do men want, Why don't boys text and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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