I think it’s been a year or more since I last came on to my blog to write anything. I feel like I’ve been living life, and feeling so good, that I haven’t felt a need I suppose. But there’s a creative side of me that really misses writing this blog. I keep a diary of course, as I think writing is incredible therapy; there’s something about seeing those words appear on paper, that allows you to face and understand exactly how you’re feeling …
Anxiety was the reason I started this blog, what feels like all those years ago. A dark time where I felt so lost and didn’t understand a thing. Now, if I’m honest, it just feels like it happened to someone else in the sense that I can’t actually remember or believe that I felt that bad. I guess that’s how incredible the human body is, our brains allow us to forget pain over time. Equally, I am still so thankful as I understand so much more about myself now. I realised that the anxiety was a symptom of other things in my life (this took years to unravel and I could never have seen it in the moment). A few things being, I was scared of being alone, I didn’t like myself, I didn’t think I was enough, I used other people to make me happy, I didn’t have a purpose, I didn’t know what I wanted or why I was doing what I was doing. In a way I think I was drifting through life expecting something (or someone) to sweep me up and give me purpose at some point.
In the last few years I feel like everything has changed. I’m 31, single but happy (most of the time!). I live in London where Tinder , Hinge, Bumble are how everyone dates and have dabbled but not had much success. Most of the guys I meet who I like just don’t seem to have their shit together or don’t want to settle (too much choice?) or they’re nice guys who would treat me so well but I don’t fancy them. Sometimes I feel baffled by it (what am I missing?!) and other times I look around and feel that so many people haven’t got it all figured out either. I try to see dating/relationships as just one small part of my life now rather than a big overarching worry. I guess the view these days is *shrug* “if it happens it happens”? No point stressing, happiness comes first 🙂 I’m not saying it’s always easy but I try to not let it stress me out so much now.
Some might remember how anxiety caused me to quit my job and struggle to get back into work for months. Now I love where I work. I found purpose in my new job by appreciating the small things; I also wanted to be good at it as I knew it improved my mental health (dopamine!). I started to love it and then I was promoted. This gave me the boost I needed and now I love the structure of it, the environment, the fact that I’m needed in some way, the career path that is available for me in the supportive environment I work in. Without my breakdown I would never have ended up there.
On the side I decided I wanted to invest in property by myself- at one point I thought I’d only buy once I met a guy and we settled down together. But I decided to take control of my own finances and bought a small flat in an area I could afford and rented it out. It’s my own business and I do everything myself (except perhaps the odd thing I need my Dad to help with! :-D). I am so proud of myself for that.
I think that’s enough for now. I haven’t updated in so long I just felt it was time…I’m by no means saying life is perfect. That doesn’t exist. But I’ve learnt how to make myself happy and that is all that really matters in life.
More soon Xx