My journey with BDD / Obsession with nose

I wanted to do an update on my BDD, mainly because it really helps me to write about it.

The last few months have been quite a journey for me, slowly learning how to navigate these anxieties around my appearance, primarily my nose. I joined a BDD therapy group which takes place every Monday evening, where people share their experiences and thoughts in an informal way. It’s been so helpful and actually has helped me feel less alone with this disorder.

I had this thought today whilst I was gazing out at the window, distracted from work…

It’s bizarre that it is really only You (One) who has to accept Ones own appearance. Everyone else in your life knows exactly how you look, has looked at your face thousands of times, has accepted everything they see, the good days, the bad days, with makeup, without makeup, with spots, without spots, thinner, fatter, the many different expressions…so on and so on.

Yet it’s Ourselves who have such issues accepting Ourselves. I’ve been struggling with my own nose for the best part of a year. Both with the images in the mirror and the images in my head. It’s been a form of torture, quite honestly. This enormous mountain for me to climb, so much anxiety at the thought of it. Yet, everyone I know has already accepted it, in a second, most probably, the first time they met me. When you think deeply about that concept, it’s quite bizarre.

I can’t describe when the improvements happened really. I think it’s been so gradual that it’s difficult to pin down. But I definitely feel better than I did a few months back. A few true realisation moments happened, those really deep ah-ha moments which resonated deep down which helped me:

1. Even if my nose is not great….it really doesn’t matter. I don’t have to like it. But it doesn’t mean I need a nose job.
2. Truly, other people do not notice these things. TRULY.
3. Imperfections are actually attractive. No, really, they really are.
4. I am so, so, so, so much more than my nose.

I don’t think these words will necessarily help until you realise them on a deep level. When that happens though, the relief is exquisite. I feel I’m currently in this space of flitting back and forth between my old beliefs and fears and my new beliefs, sometimes gripped with anxiety again, and sometimes at peace. I know that I am heading in the right direction and in time I will be free of this thing.

There is absolutely hope for people suffering with BDD! It just takes time. Anyone who wants to reach out and share, I’d welcome this! X

Body Dysmorphic Disorder / Hating how you look

What the heck has happened to WordPress since I last used it. Confusing much?!

Anyway, I needed to write about my experience of Body Dysmorphia or, to put it more simply, an unrelenting anxiety disorder associated with ones appearance.

I thought I had sort of experienced the peak of my anxiety issues a few years ago and learnt how to manage it and cope. But since the start of this year I’ve been dealing with a very different manifestation of it.

I moved into a flat on my own in January which has loads of mirrors in quite a small space. I’ve never found mirrors a particular problem before but then I’ve never been surrounded by them in quite the same way I suppose and actually, now looking back, I have had some really dark feelings and semi breakdowns in shop changing rooms in the past. So it probably has always been a bit of an issue if triggered by the right environment.

When I moved into this flat I started noticing my nose in the mirror. I’d be on the phone and would laugh and would see my nose angle down and look long and pointy in the mirror as I did. It would send a feeling of revulsion through my chest and stomach. The more I stared at it the worse it would look. I started smiling from every angle and freaking out at how ugly I looked. I took selfies and stared at them with shame, breaking down in tears sporadically. How can I look like such a monster and never realised?! All my friends must feel so pitying towards me. Maybe they all talk about how I’d never realised and how someone should really tell me..? It honestly made me feel sick thinking about it.

When we started to work remotely, the mirror compulsions became really bad. I’d sit for hours a day analysing. I’d get so depressed and down I felt hopeless. I just wanted to get out of that flat and feared walking past the wardrobe where the mirrors were as I know I’d get dragged back into the black hole of time wasting in front of the mirror. I felt trapped by who I was and the body I lived in.

In many ways I was very confident throughout my twenties; well actually saying that I think I was very inwardly insecure but very outwardly confident. As many insecure people often are I suppose. I did have a clear role in my own life at that point though. I felt equal with my peers, young, exploring the world, dating without anything overly serious, friends came first, partying, drinking, nights out, dressing up. I organised a lot of the activities and I was a central part of the friend group. The last few years so much of that has fallen away and a new lifestyle has developed. Friends moved away, settled down or had babies. I felt left behind and didn’t have a ‘special person’ to nest with and share with. I think all the external things that added to my identity through those years had fallen away and I didn’t know who I was anymore. So I guess, when stripped back, I didn’t like what I saw in a way. Who was I? Lonely and unattractive, and not important to anyone in particular.

The obsession with my nose led me to go to a surgeon for a nose job consultation. He was cold and intimidating and listed several extra things wrong with my nose that I hadn’t considered previously. It was an awful experience and my gut just screamed at me to leave as fast as possible. A little part of me knows that I probably wouldn’t like whatever he did and I’d probably hate myself even more than I did before. Plus the idea just generally terrifies me. I found the BDD Foundation online which seemed to resonate and I started joining the weekly support group which has been very helpful. I bought a book called ‘Overcoming body image issues’ by David Veale and Rob Wilson and have been attempting to put better habits in place which certainly do have the effect of making me focus less on my appearance and therefore feel happier. I would like proper therapy for it but at the moment it’s tricky with the lockdown and not being in London.

It’s such a tough thing to manage because I still very much have days where I just think ‘But I really am this ugly looking, it’s not BDD’ and everything spirals down again. I’m on a massively negative day today so not sure this is the most uplifting post to read, but I do feel that writing helps me regardless.

What helps me is listening to those who have recovered and now feel good again so I will keep plugging on with that in my mind. Something I know for sure is that things change all the time….

Anxiety from Loneliness

I’ve felt lonely at many points in my life but since lockdown hit, it’s been perpetuated tenfold. For me I think it’s been something that has been lurking around for a few years and it’s only now that I felt a good reason to write about it.

There’s been some changes in my life the last few years; most of my friends have either moved away from London or settled down and had families, I entered my thirties where naturally people are doing less partying and meeting up or, understandably, have more to juggle in life. I guess this period crept up on me in a way. There were subtle shifts that could go unnoticed along the way and then one day I was just sat in my studio flat in London, alone on a Saturday with no plans for the weekend, feeling immensely lonely. I’d pick up my phone and have no messages and the feeling would deepen and swirl and reach every cell in my body. When I started this blog around 5 years ago, I was going through a time of heightened anxiety, panic attacks and a constant search, but the difference there was that everything was noisy, manic and needed bringing down. What I experienced recently was silent and cold and seemed to eat at me from the insides.

It wasn’t the proximity of my friends; it was the loss of connection. For various reasons we’d gone down different paths and I’d speak to them but we wouldn’t SAY anything real. I’ve always struggled with talking to people on a surface level. I’ve come to learn that in some situations it is appropriate (at work, for example) but when it becomes that way with people you used to be deeply connected to, it’s more difficult. It’s actually one of the saddest things for me, when I hear that high, slightly fake tone in a person’s voice to convey that they’ve distanced themselves and our boundary in conversation now lies six inches closer to the surface than it used to. Or I’m given a party-line answer: “Oh, it’s going so great!” and I just know that there’ll be no vulnerabilities shared or truth exposed in a way that we would have used to. To me, this honesty is so integral to connection.

My saving grace during these lonely times was work. As much as people would say they dread Monday morning, or can’t wait for the weekend, I was experiencing the opposite. I’d feel a deep sense of relief on waking up on a Monday as I had somewhere to go and people to see. I’d have a purpose, a structure. Even taking the tube with crowds of other people who were doing the same thing as me made me feel a little connected. At work, I’d pass the familiar receptionist and smile at them and receive recognition back. These tiny gestures, as silly as it sounds, reminded me that I actually exist in the world, because another human was responding to me. A day at work would involve those small interactions in the corridor, a chat at the tea point. Even someone giving me more work to do was welcomed; it made me feel valued and needed.

Since lockdown, I’ve really struggled with not having all these things. It’s been a different form of anxiety than anything I’ve experienced in the past, so I suppose I got swept up in it without awareness and I went downhill quite quickly. It manifested in an obsession with looking at myself in the mirror and having panic attacks about my nose. It sounds bizarre to go off onto this but it was where my mind went and it was like a curveball I hadn’t seen coming. It was like my loneliness had made me turn on myself in the most nasty way possible and I became obsessed with any mirror in my flat, sitting for hours sometimes, hating and berating myself, crying, googling nose jobs… Perhaps my loneliness was so intense that it felt necessary to attack someone, anyone, and it happened to be in the form of my reflection. With some distance from this, and seeing the intensity with which it developed, I now truly believe that this was my loneliness manifesting itself in this one obsession.

I originally assured my manager every time I spoke to her: “Oh, I’m doing fine and keeping busy. My mental health is fine.” But actually, on reflection, it’s clear that it really has not been fine. The lack of social interaction combined with the uncertainty about the future related to the virus, has really affected me. Luckily, my work offers plenty of support and I have since spoken to a counsellor about some of these feelings and made a real effort to take myself away whenever I start turning on myself. Yoga and meditation has helped me a lot, as well as speaking to a few good, close friends and family regularly, who I can be open and honest with and who can relate. I’m learning that feeling lonely is so much more about me and my own thoughts than anything else. Loving myself first is so important. But lockdown is definitely the ultimate test for isolation and I really do feel for anyone who is also on their own and struggling. That’s why I wanted to share this, for anyone who may feel the same.

I am always here to chat in comments or direct messages. You may feel alone, but you are not, because this is a really tough time for everyone and millions of others are feeling just as anxious, uncertain and lonely. Do NOT beat yourself up for anything you might be feeling and if possible, see this as a time to learn to love yourself in a way that you haven’t before. Through tiny steps, day by day, this is what I am trying to do 🙂

Loads of Love, From (and To) My Funny Little Mind X

It’s been a while….

I think it’s been a year or more since I last came on to my blog to write anything. I feel like I’ve been living life, and feeling so good, that I haven’t felt a need I suppose. But there’s a creative side of me that really misses writing this blog. I keep a diary of course, as I think writing is incredible therapy; there’s something about seeing those words appear on paper, that allows you to face and understand exactly how you’re feeling …

Anxiety was the reason I started this blog, what feels like all those years ago. A dark time where I felt so lost and didn’t understand a thing. Now, if I’m honest, it just feels like it happened to someone else in the sense that I can’t actually remember or believe that I felt that bad. I guess that’s how incredible the human body is, our brains allow us to forget pain over time. Equally, I am still so thankful as I understand so much more about myself now. I realised that the anxiety was a symptom of other things in my life (this took years to unravel and I could never have seen it in the moment). A few things being, I was scared of being alone, I didn’t like myself, I didn’t think I was enough, I used other people to make me happy, I didn’t have a purpose, I didn’t know what I wanted or why I was doing what I was doing. In a way I think I was drifting through life expecting something (or someone) to sweep me up and give me purpose at some point.

In the last few years I feel like everything has changed. I’m 31, single but happy (most of the time!). I live in London where Tinder , Hinge, Bumble are how everyone dates and have dabbled but not had much success. Most of the guys I meet who I like just don’t seem to have their shit together or don’t want to settle (too much choice?) or they’re nice guys who would treat me so well but I don’t fancy them. Sometimes I feel baffled by it (what am I missing?!) and other times I look around and feel that so many people haven’t got it all figured out either. I try to see dating/relationships as just one small part of my life now rather than a big overarching worry. I guess the view these days is *shrug* “if it happens it happens”? No point stressing, happiness comes first 🙂 I’m not saying it’s always easy but I try to not let it stress me out so much now.

Some might remember how anxiety caused me to quit my job and struggle to get back into work for months. Now I love where I work. I found purpose in my new job by appreciating the small things; I also wanted to be good at it as I knew it improved my mental health (dopamine!). I started to love it and then I was promoted. This gave me the boost I needed and now I love the structure of it, the environment, the fact that I’m needed in some way, the career path that is available for me in the supportive environment I work in. Without my breakdown I would never have ended up there.

On the side I decided I wanted to invest in property by myself- at one point I thought I’d only buy once I met a guy and we settled down together. But I decided to take control of my own finances and bought a small flat in an area I could afford and rented it out. It’s my own business and I do everything myself (except perhaps the odd thing I need my Dad to help with! :-D). I am so proud of myself for that.

I think that’s enough for now. I haven’t updated in so long I just felt it was time…I’m by no means saying life is perfect. That doesn’t exist. But I’ve learnt how to make myself happy and that is all that really matters in life.

More soon Xx

Good Friends are like Hot Chocolate for the Soul

The journey to a happy healthy mental state is a slow, ambling one, one that can take years, perhaps a lifetime, to refine. It’s an intriguing exploration with no destination in mind, allowing you to delve into life as if it’s a cavern containing doors that lead to more doors. A journey of both teaching and learning, allowing you to carve out your own personal path, curiously noticing the delicate strands of your life and how each one makes you feel. It’s the balance of letting go, enjoying and embracing life’s surprises whilst simultaneously observing it all from a position of gentle self-awareness. (Simple, right?!). It’s a journey of plodding, not of sprinting. A journey to be enjoyed.

On my plodding journey, I’ve slowly started to notice what helps me and what doesn’t a little more each day. The people I spend time with affect my mental state as powerfully as good food or exercise does. It’s all about what you are feeding into your soul. If you are around negative energy and people who treat you badly, you will feel low and down in yourself. If you are around people you trust, who genuinely want you to be happy, the good vibes cleanse you from the inside. When others care about you, you start to care about yourself; love is contagious!

I recently spent a beautiful weekend away in deepest Wales with a group of close friends, some reasonably new and some I grew up with and have known for up to 25 years (25 years!!!! How old?!). No phrase is more accurate for me than describing it truly as hot chocolate for the soul. A weekend of laughter and good vibes, long chats, lighthearted teasing, walks in the countryside, cups of tea. In the evenings we huddled in farmyard cottages, set deep into the countryside in the heart of the Brecon Beacons, drinking wine and eating hearty meals. There is something about friends you shared childhood/the teenage years with that just brings a sense of familiarity and safety. Both grounding and nurturing, it’s a beautiful and unique thing. These friendships are as authentic as family ties; stripped back and raw, honest and open.

As I settled back into the clutter of London life the day after the trip, I felt the familiar pull of home in my heart, something that can hurt but also represents a fierce sense of belonging. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t long for home, my roots and my family from time to time. It brought a sense of appreciation of just how lucky I am to know such wonderful, loyal, funny people after all these years and to be part of such a special friendship group that I know, after this long, will never change 🙂

Notice the friendships you have in your life and embrace those that build you up and help you blossom and let go of those who flatten you or bring you down. Good friendships are key to a happy healthy mental state. Nurture yours.

(photos courtesy of D Farley)

Shut Your Facebook

When we use the word ‘addiction’ we imagine drink, drugs, smoking, gamboling; things that lead to what we call “serious health issues”. But being addicted to something is simply experiencing the impulse or desire to do something even if, ideally, you would rather not be doing it. It’s that need factor. Big or small, many of us have addictions of some form, eating chocolate, texting guys we know aren’t really good for us, our phones, making lists…they’re not all terrible.

For me, Facebook was exactly that. I didn’t enjoy it particularly, it was just about ensuring I had covered everything ‘new’ since I’d last been on. I needed to keep updated (or what?) A bit of boredom, or feeling unsettled: open Facebook, scroll scroll scroll, put it down again. And for me, it wasn’t even so much the content that particularly affected me; it was more the monotonous, depressing action of opening the page to scroll through in that repetitive way, through pictures and words, none of which particularly interested me. It wasn’t that it made me feel super low, it just never made me feel particularly good. Then reaching the post that I had already seen in my last visit, bizarrely left me with another sort of disappointed lull (oh I’ve seen this already, I want something new). A seemingly harmless addiction, but an addiction all the same.

Or is it harmless? It’s not harmless when you consider the time lost. It’s not harmless when you consider what you could be doing in that time. It’s not harmless when you consider the mode your brain switches into when you start scrolling, which, however short term, is not a healthy, happy mental state to be in. For me, the mindless scrolling and clicking numbed my mind and gave me a mild sense of anxiety, I think partly because I felt like I had very slightly lost control once I started. Sounds mad, but it’s true. Add to that an insecure day you may be having and you’re inevitably going to gaze at somebody’s tanned, toned bikini body (however filtered) and generate negative, self hating thoughts of some form.

When I made the decision to leave, it was after many failed attempts over the previous year. A halfhearted effort became a committed effort to end the brain numbing. I’d also started to see fewer and fewer benefits to it. When I was a bit younger, showcasing everything that was great about my life seemed to make sense; it was all an ego boost, a confirmation that I was doing ‘well’. After I went through a very depressive/anxious period, I realised just how pointless it is to post this stuff. It’s like throwing something out into a vague conceptual space we call our “Friend” group or perhaps more accurately, our captivated audience. When in fact there’s no one there is there? In truth what we are reaching out for is some kind of validation, wherever it may come from. Our own mental state reflected back at us, our egos feeding our egos.

I’ve got news for you people, no-one cares what you had for dinner, or what your new haircut looks like. Everyone is too busy worrying about themselves and their own lives. And they care less and less the more you thrust it in their face. It’s a hard lesson but a good one to learn because when you let go of the belief that anyone cares, your priorities become much more healthy. You start looking after yourself more rather than trying to appear in a certain way.

It’s not really our fault, it’s just something that has become the norm so it’s very difficult to spot how utterly pointless and egotistical it is. And it’s not that being egotistical is wrong or bad – we all love a boost – but it just doesn’t bring us long term happiness. And that is not an opinion, that is the truth. Nobody gets long term happiness from these things, they’re temporary highs. That’s why we have to post again and again, and if we have 20 Likes we are high for a few minutes but then we want more Likes. Just like any addiction, we need more and more each time because we become desensitized to the buzz.

When I left Facebook, gradually my world became both smaller and more spacious at the same time. It was magnificent. A whole load of clutter just dissipated, totally and utterly fell away. People I was hanging onto through the medium of Facebook suddenly didn’t exist to me in day to day life and they fell into the bank of memories that faded in a healthy way, as they always should have done. Ex-boyfriends I would look up dropped out of my mind as I had nothing new to cling to and the old images became boring. The truth is, these people are MEANT to fall away when the natural progression of a friendship or a relationship leads you in different directions. If you break up with a guy, you’re MEANT to not see him anymore, you’re meant to start forgetting his face, the sound of his voice (violins…). That’s how emotional healing works. Painful but necessary.

Having access to an update of his life via Facebook is like having him walk into your house once a week with a different outfit on, or him sitting in your lounge cuddling his new girlfriend, or to look out to your garden and see him partying with new friends every weekend.

Of course you wouldn’t get over him because he’d refresh in your memory every time. It’s just not healthy. Every time you see him in one of these updates, the emotions rush back and you experience the hurt all over again, coupled with new hurt at the thought that he’s happy without you, meeting all these new people. Whilst you’re scrolling desperately through a computer feed…

So I left and the effect was much bigger than I thought it would be. It wasn’t just time that was gained, it was psychological space, acceptance of what is, new ideas, inspiration, creativity, a sense of peace. What also happened was in those moments where I was bored or quiet – because I didn’t automatically reach for Facebook – the part of my mind numbed by the scrolling came alive again and I started to feel fresh and more energized, inspired by little things I noticed around me or people I spoke to (face to face). I started writing again (my book will take some kind of sensible structural direction at some point….) and I slept better, exercised more, found other more productive things to do like scrap books, cooking, reading.

And bigger than anything, lots of people dropped away. And I just let them. What was left were my real friends.It may shock you how few there really are.

Work on those, because it turns out true friendships require hard work and commitment. Things like proper Birthday cards in the post and phone calls / regular face to face time spent together. Takes more effort but real friendships and the fulfillment and happiness they bring are so worth it 🙂

 

 

 

 

Two Year Anxiversary – Riding the Unplanned Life Diversion

Like what I did there??!

So I’m sitting in the office pretending to work, whilst counting down the minutes before I can get the hell outta here and get on a train home to the Devonshire countryside where my parents live! Woooooop!

And I thought, in the reflective way we all do around Christmas time, how am I doing in life and general health, and how am I compared to my Life Diversion two years ago? (This is what I’m now calling it instead of ‘mental breakdown’, as of 10 seconds ago…). I think Life Diversion is quite fitting because I think when your body steps in and tells you to Stop, Stop and Stop again, you have no choice but to take a different direction. It’s not even a choice, the choice is taken out of your hands.

Up until that point, I was living a life, prioritising things that I thought mattered (they didn’t), ensuring I ticked the social boxes, dating men with the expectation of eventually settling and getting married, doing well in a career in order to achieve a certain status / pay check ?, saving a weird thing we call money so I could buy stuff, and acting in a way we are taught is socially acceptable. I was so buried in these concepts I had not looked up to see what it was doing to my mental health, my happiness and my wellbeing. Nature, the natural spin of the earth, the truth of what is, whatever you would like to call it, will never let you get too carried away without alerting you to the way you are hurting yourself. Whether it be immense physical pain, mental pain, suffering in some way, you are being notified of what is hurting you, the wrong direction you are taking, the pressures you are building for yourself that do not exist anywhere but in your mind.

Now I am on a new route, a total road diversion. I know nothing about this route, it scares me, I don’t know where it’s heading and I don’t recognise the scenery.

But all I know is that it’s the right one. That’s all I know, because my gut tells me. And my God, I had to do a lot of reading, seeking advice and sharing with others to learn and understand. But slowly it’s become very clear to me that the old controlling route hurt, and was making me hurt more the further along it I went, but this new route feels right on a health and happiness level. Scary but right.

I have no idea what my future holds anymore, I think I’ve almost completely stopped caring, and do you know what, it changes nothing. I just feel healthier. I genuinely don’t care if I meet a guy to settle with, if my career moves up (I have enough money for everything I need), if I recover from anxiety completely, none of it matters, I have everything I need in life and more. If I feel like shit today or tomorrow, or even over Christmas, who cares? I’m here and alive. I always thought I’d get to a point where everything would come right for me, that everything I wanted would come to fruition, that my anxiety would go, that I’d put loads of weight back on and that external things would come to me. But that was never the way. I have none of what I thought I wanted, but I realised I don’t need any of it to be happy. In fact I’m happier than I was before the Life Diversion.

Happy Driving All…

P.S Don’t put pressure on Christmas time. It doesn’t have to be good. It’s just a day.

Cos’ you’re just a boy…and you don’t understand…that I’m mentally unstable…

Yes! A boy! Men. Relationships. Dating situations. What a HEAD F*CK?! I mean, could there be more uncertainty packed into one single situation?! Not only is the entire situation based on emotions, unless you’re part of some kind of arranged marriage (would that be easier?!) there is the uncertainty around how the other person feels, which they intentionally do not reveal straightaway either due to an effort to ‘seem cool’ or because they are not yet sure. (PLEASE tell me exactly what you are thinking right this second…*knife to throat*).

Then there’s that war zone you dare to enter, that highly charged space of ‘How do I feel?’

HOW DO I FEEL?! Are you kidding me??! How long have you got?

That space that only a guy or girl you like has the ability to bring to the surface in milliseconds.

We all have the remnants of a war zone within us, but for most we keep it delicately tucked away in our day-to-day life. It’s a careful balance but we perfect it well, cover it up with crap that lacks substance; throw some flowers at it, pretty things, attention, alcohol, social media, some new clothes, an ego boost. A hint of the war zone is revealed from time to time, when we are vulnerable, perhaps low on external boosts, you’ll get a bit of smoke filtering through, or you’ll trip and fall into a trench (Oh shit, get me out…). But mostly, we manage to cover the scene over with with our own form of absolutely massive tarpaulin made of tacky cheap material and meaningless, quick-fix, rubbish.

Then bam, a guy or girl is on the scene, a real human being you connect with and you like, and there it is. Tarpaulin whipped away, disintegrated into the sky (meaningless things are not durable). Now it’s just you and your immense expanse of scary eery sireny (yes, I’m making that a word) space where bombs are flying around, exploding off other explosive emotions, fears and leftover decaying debris, issues buried deep for years, pieces of old metal littered about in the post-battle scene with ‘Remember what happened in your last relationship…?’ etched across them. Your own feelings. Feelings you’ve just spent the last two years making light of in this weird minefield of thoughts and emotions we call Anxiety. So something that has sort of been loosening its hold on you the last few years has now obnoxiously taken centre stage as the most important factor in this whole decision making process. How do I FEEL about this man / woman? How do I feel?! All my emotions poke their heads up out of the mud:

“Boys, it’s our time. Go wild. Nope, don’t worry about order, just all charge at once”.

They all whoop in agreement as they join the stampede, shoving Reason and Logic to the ground as they go. Emotions, non tangible things, nothing you can pin down or grasp hold of. Excitement flies by from behind you sending a fizz through your blood, then a fear explosion goes off all around you and you leap in the air. Attraction strides by, the war zone dims in lighting (oooh, I like…). And just like that, it’s gone. Confusion (do I fancy him?). Another crash of fear and you’re being pelted with bullets (What if he doesn’t fancy me?!!!) Take cover!!!!

Which part is actually to do with him? What do I keep to myself and what do I tell him? Which part is me?! Which part is just my Anxiety?! What’s going to happen if I let all this confusion of emotion gush out (in his direction, most likely). He’ll either be washed away by the tidal wave, never to return. Or he’ll stick around the war zone, and probably develop shell shock, nervously uncertain of when the next disaster is to hit. Add to that any issues HE might have which could potentially conjure an entire new war zone to combine with mine, then you have war zone + war zone = complete and utter population wipeout?!

OK, so I went on a date…

He’s nice! 

 

 

Treasure the tiny pieces of your jigsaw

I have had some lovely comments of appreciation lately, either through Paul David or friends of friends, and it inspired me to write again. I haven’t written anything creative in a little while. Let’s see what comes along today.

I seem to have reached a welcome sense of balance once again over the last week or so. After a lengthy painful fortnight of resistance and fighting, I have finally started to let go once again. I got myself so low and depressed and although I recognised the cycle I could do nothing but be swept downwards into it. And as we’ve learnt, this is the only way to survive…

…………..

But wait, after I wrote that sentence, I paused and stared at it for ages, because this is exactly the point that always flummoxes me (Google says I spelt this correctly but it still doesn’t look right). If the right way to deal with this is to get swept downwards, then I should feel more at peace with the pain when I get swept downwards, but I don’t. So in fact, maybe I wasn’t actually doing nothing, I was in fact resisting it with every part of me.

It’s interesting what writing does to you. A sort of slow unfolding of your thought patterns, of your views, of the way one tiny piece of the jigsaw fits in to another. My views on this are so deeply entrenched that I can’t even spot resistance myself when it’s staring me in the face.

I looked back at that paragraph I wrote. “Low”, “Depressed”, “Downwards”, “Survive”. What do these words even mean? I put a negative connotation on every single one of these words. Something Paul said to me has just made total sense: “It’s not good or bad, it’s just an experience.” Suddenly that makes sense on a much deeper level.

The very way I write in fact emanates resistance. The way I view these feelings as low and bad so that every time they come back I feel once again ‘low’ and ‘depressed’. How can I NOT stay in a cycle when I create this cycle so beautifully for myself?

I think that’ll do for today…

On Daydreaming

I think this is such a beautiful post that resonated with me so deeply, that I had to repost to my page. I could almost see the fields and smell the coffee as I read it. Absolutely, when learn to just BE, we reach such a peaceful state Xx

Life Lived

Forget colouring books and yoga. What happened to the practice of good old-fashioned daydreaming?

We all remember times at school when the teacher’s voice became no more than background noise to our own imaginings and wonderings, when we doodled idly or gazed out of windows and thought of anything and nothing.

Lately, I’ve been re-finding that long lost art of daydreaming. Instead of grabbing a book or phone or switching on the television, there is always the option of just sitting and letting your mind wander, even if just for a minute or two.

In a cafe, hold your mug with both hands, sip your coffee, smell it, really taste it. Look around, let snippets of other people’s conversation drift in and out of your attention. Be aware of the music that is playing.

On a train, notice the rain on the window, take in the weathered trees, notice the…

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