I have had some lovely comments of appreciation lately, either through Paul David or friends of friends, and it inspired me to write again. I haven’t written anything creative in a little while. Let’s see what comes along today.
I seem to have reached a welcome sense of balance once again over the last week or so. After a lengthy painful fortnight of resistance and fighting, I have finally started to let go once again. I got myself so low and depressed and although I recognised the cycle I could do nothing but be swept downwards into it. And as we’ve learnt, this is the only way to survive…
But wait, after I wrote that sentence, I paused and stared at it for ages, because this is exactly the point that always flummoxes me (Google says I spelt this correctly but it still doesn’t look right). If the right way to deal with this is to get swept downwards, then I should feel more at peace with the pain when I get swept downwards, but I don’t. So in fact, maybe I wasn’t actually doing nothing, I was in fact resisting it with every part of me.
It’s interesting what writing does to you. A sort of slow unfolding of your thought patterns, of your views, of the way one tiny piece of the jigsaw fits in to another. My views on this are so deeply entrenched that I can’t even spot resistance myself when it’s staring me in the face.
I looked back at that paragraph I wrote. “Low”, “Depressed”, “Downwards”, “Survive”. What do these words even mean? I put a negative connotation on every single one of these words. Something Paul said to me has just made total sense: “It’s not good or bad, it’s just an experience.” Suddenly that makes sense on a much deeper level.
The very way I write in fact emanates resistance. The way I view these feelings as low and bad so that every time they come back I feel once again ‘low’ and ‘depressed’. How can I NOT stay in a cycle when I create this cycle so beautifully for myself?
I think that’ll do for today…