I have had some lovely comments of appreciation lately, either through Paul David or friends of friends, and it inspired me to write again. I haven’t written anything creative in a little while. Let’s see what comes along today.
I seem to have reached a welcome sense of balance once again over the last week or so. After a lengthy painful fortnight of resistance and fighting, I have finally started to let go once again. I got myself so low and depressed and although I recognised the cycle I could do nothing but be swept downwards into it. And as we’ve learnt, this is the only way to survive…
…………..
But wait, after I wrote that sentence, I paused and stared at it for ages, because this is exactly the point that always flummoxes me (Google says I spelt this correctly but it still doesn’t look right). If the right way to deal with this is to get swept downwards, then I should feel more at peace with the pain when I get swept downwards, but I don’t. So in fact, maybe I wasn’t actually doing nothing, I was in fact resisting it with every part of me.
It’s interesting what writing does to you. A sort of slow unfolding of your thought patterns, of your views, of the way one tiny piece of the jigsaw fits in to another. My views on this are so deeply entrenched that I can’t even spot resistance myself when it’s staring me in the face.
I looked back at that paragraph I wrote. “Low”, “Depressed”, “Downwards”, “Survive”. What do these words even mean? I put a negative connotation on every single one of these words. Something Paul said to me has just made total sense: “It’s not good or bad, it’s just an experience.” Suddenly that makes sense on a much deeper level.
The very way I write in fact emanates resistance. The way I view these feelings as low and bad so that every time they come back I feel once again ‘low’ and ‘depressed’. How can I NOT stay in a cycle when I create this cycle so beautifully for myself?
I think that’ll do for today…
Me and My Funny Little Mind 
Letting go is hard. Need to get better at it myself.
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It’s odd that our experiences are very similar. I read your post in July and could’ve written it myself……life was going well, anxiety was reduced to no more than a Sausage Dog in a muzzle walking at my heels. August came, I had plans…..go walking, the seaside, take a new hobby…….my mind had another agenda…….let’s get the skeleton out the closet for a while…..Whammo!! Anxiety is ramped up to square one levels. The last month was hard, I cried, I threw all my toys out the pram, ‘Why, why, why??? I thought this was under control’. It took 3 weeks to realise that I was making this 1000000% worse for myself and I needed to kick myself up the arse and get back into gear. It’s now September and I no longer feel sorry for myself. I feel like s**t, but no longer sorry. ‘It’ doesn’t pass if we watch ourselves, I needed to broaden my horizons and get back into life so I’m living alongside how I feel at the moment. I don’t want to, it’s painful but it’s what we have to do.
So up yours ‘Setback’, square one doesn’t exist anymore.
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I hear you! So so difficult isn’t it. I think I find that my throwing toys out pram stage becomes (overall) less intense and also shorter though. If I zoomed out and could see the whole process from ‘Square One’ up to this point I would definitely see how much better I’ve become. It’s just hard to see it on some truly horrific days. But do you know what, it’s OK to feel shit! It happens. What I realised is that everyone is going through something, all different things, but everyone suffers in some way, so really we should be proud of ourselves for getting through this weird and wonderful disorder. I like it ‘Up yours ‘Setback’ haha. In all honesty, I get to the point of boredom with it like, ‘Ah well, there you are again you weird feeling…’. It comes, it goes, but it doesn’t scare me anymore, not really, which is definitely why I’m feeling healthier now. I mean, I eat, I do social things, I haven’t left work because of it in a long time. I’ve even put on a bit of weight! GET IN. Keep plodding Mark 😀
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Ah crap……..please feel free to delete one of the above, I didn’t think it had posted!!
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Haha. I wondered why you posted it twice! I will do. Also, thanks so much for the post, will reply shortly 🙂
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Ive been searching through your blog like a wild animal. looking for answers and help. I am suffering through a nasty setback. today is day 3 and i cant take it no more. scary thoughts such as suicide and hopelessness. I was feeling so great past couple months!!! I feel i lost everything i learned through pauls books. i cant stop crying im a total mess. im messaging every family member to help me. i stay in bed crying. The non stop anxiety attacks are truly horrible. I always say accept these feelings and emotions. My thoughts are extremely strong this time around. My brain tells me this time is different there is no going back to the good times. I get freaked and panic. But at the same time i feel a little fight in me. I get out of bed and say forget this! This setback needs to end. 5 minutes later i feel back to square one. Im searching on google and looking for a therapist. The exact thing paul said not to do. How can i get myself to stick with a mantra or how can i start looking up? This does not look good.
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Ohhhh my God Jennifer I know EXACTLY how you feel honestly, I have been there so many times. Everything you say I think ‘yep, yep yep that’s happened, yep and that’. It’s so familiar I really cannot express it in words enough. I’ve been through those lows so many times that I really did get to a point of ‘Oh this is never going to be over, this is me for life’ etc. etc. You’re searching and searching yet what are you searching for? It’s such a bizarre process. Looking and looking and looking yet it’s the looking that’s causing the pain. That thing you’re looking for, you’ll never find, because there’s nothing there to find, but only time teaches you that. But even that right now is upsetting to hear because the knowledge that you are doing it to yourself makes you even more wound up. So you try even harder not to look, which inevitably becomes another looking effort. On a very simple level, quite honestly, it doesn’t really matter what your thoughts do, how you deal with this, how much you cry, how long you stay in bed, how many desperate texts you send, it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t mean you’ll get better quicker or slower. It’s just a process you need to go through, and without a doubt the sun will come out again, it always does, as you said you’ve felt great the last couple months. That’s incredible in itself?! I went a good year and a half with only a day or two of good glimpses, I gave up all hope. But eventually the sun came out, stronger than ever before. It’s really beyond your control, you’re just thrashing about on this rainy day because it’s painful, but at some point, maybe next week, maybe tomorrow, the sun will come out and something will change. You don’t know what yet because you don’t control it, you never did. Fight all you want Jennifer, it’s OK if you do, it hurts no one and affects nothing, it just is what it is, it’s how you learn really and truly. No therapist or mantra will ever be able to fix it for you, it’s a much deeper thing than that, all you need to do is give up and giving up is something outside of your control also, it only comes with time and it happens on a level that you really cannot control on a thought level. The one thing I used to say to myself was ‘Just stay alive, that’s all you need to do, that’s your one and only expectation’. Beyond that, it didn’t matter, I could do anything I wanted and it would get better, at some point. And sure enough it did. Feeling suicidal was the best thing that ever happened to me as it shifted an enormous amount inside me for when the sun came out. So don’t waste that feeling, it’s powerful and scary but also instrumental in that shift. Acknowledge it and see what happens beyond it. Always here X
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Thank You for your reply. I feel worse if anything. What is the next step for me. This setback is worst thing ever. How long does this last. I hit rock bottom
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I ment I feel worse today* Not referred to your comment. Said it wrong ha =/
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Hey Jennifer. I could never tell you that as we are all so different, trust yourself enough to do what is right for you. But generally I found that there isn’t a step to take. I used to search like crazy for the next step and what I should do and it turned out there was never a step to take. I think that’s probably true for you too. Your body is going through a huge release of emotion and you can just experience it, you don’t need to fix it. It may feel like hell, but it will never hurt you, and it is never a permanent state. Nobody ever died from too much emotion, trust me. Accept that this is you and how you feel is OK X
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Hi Jennifer,
It sure is a painful process. This latest setback (since early August) has thrown me around like a crisp packet in a gale. I had the best two weeks ever up until this Sunday and now I feel worse than ever….no discernable reason either is there? I went feeling so confident I was arranging a date to crying in my car coming home from work. How’s that for a difference?!
But the advice on here is correct…there is nothing we can do on a logical level but just carry on. The sun will shine again….even if it feels like its p@@@ing down at the moment. Chin up.
Mark
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Hi Mark.
How are you doing now? I hope better. I feel like crap! Anxious body 24/7 except sleep. My thoughts are still bad and negative but have drifted away from suicide. Now they are about SSRI and that medication may be the only way out. Do i want meds? no. Will i probably get on meds? maybe not im too afraid. but im desperate to get out of this setback. My therapist doesnt even call it a setback. she says we have to start from square one again. i guess its true. Are you following the paul david book and advice as well? Hopeing to hear from you soon. I had one great day last week, and back to the storm i went and have been. I managed to get a new job. My body just floated through the motions i guess. Are you one who sufferes from anxious feelings as soon as you wake up till you fall asleep. thats how i am? Its horrible to open up your eyes and have your chest ache. But theres nothing to do but keep going. what else can we do? Nothing.
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